Vor meinem inneren Auge sehe ich die alte Therese wie sie mit verschmitzten, funkelnde Augen mich liebevoll anlächelt. Die hat was erlebt, diese Lady. Ihre Augen strahlen, und wenn sie lächelt dann verwandeln sich die vielen Falten zu einem wunderschönen, warmen, wohlwollenden Gesicht. Und wenn sie erst lacht, du meine Güte, dann kracht es so unverschämt befreiend aus ihr heraus, so was hat man noch selten gesehen. Ihr Lachen, ich bin mir sicher, würden so manche als verrückt bezeichnen, zeigt eine freie Frau ohne Hemmungen. Eine Frau die das Anecken nicht mal mehr merkt. Und so spricht sie mich nun auch an, diese verrückte Alte:” Las mal locker” meint sie mit einer fast schon frechen Nonchalance. “Las mal los, und getrau Dich” meinte sie lustig und nimmt ein Schlückchen Gin!

Vorauf ich aber doch mich berufen fühle ihr zu erklären, dass das Leben gar nicht so einfach sei, und ich nenne nur einige der tausend Gründe warum ich das Leben so ernst nehmen muss. Als Antwort rollt sie aber nur ihre Augen und schenk sich nochmals ein Schlücken ein!

“Gin! In deinem Alter”- erwidere ich mit ängstlicher Vorsicht. “Ja, Gin! kracht und donnert ihr lautes befreites Lachen. “Ich feire meine alten Jahre!” erst jetzt fällt mir ihre leicht verschobene Frisur auf, das glitzernde Jäckchen und die grossen goldenen Ohrringe”. Du meine Güte, denke ich, wie peinlich.

Vorauf sich die Alte lachend erhebt und mit glühenden Augen die Gin hinhält. “Prost, meine Liebe! Ich trinke ein bisschen für dich mit, damit du deine 40-ziger geniesst, feierst, tanzt und vor allem los lässt!

Sie gibt mir zu denken, diese Alte Frau, welche weiss wie man lebt, den Moment würdigt, die Schultern gar nie mehr hochziehen muss und ein Vertrauen in das Dasein hat, dessen Ursprung ich nur erahnen kann.

“Prost” erwidere ich nachdenklich. Meiner eigenen verkrampften Schultern mehr als bewusst, meiner ängstlichen Stimme schämend suche ich verlegen auch nach einem Glas.

Wir sind eigentlich gar nicht so ähnlich und doch aus dem gleichen Holz geschnitzt.

Und während ich mir ein ganz klein wenig einschenke, muss ich doch schmunzeln und ich merke wie ich mich freue auf sie. Auf diese alte Lady. Auf meine alten verrückten Tage. Aber Oh Mei, brauche ich noch ein paar Jährchen um das Loslassen so hemmungslos zu beherrschen wie sie!

I will put her above everything else.

I identify her as female, but she is more than gender. She is a mood, a vibe, a light, a feeling, an insight, and an inspiration. A state of fulfilment, bliss, and wholesomeness. A feeling of profoundness and joy simultaneously. She feels like me, like home, like the right moment, the right connection the right everything.

I am looking for her every day. Fanatically. Without her, there will be no light, no breathing no sense and no fun. Her absence casts a shadow which makes my life one long chain of mundane and boring tasks.

I am looking for this eternal melody of bliss. I am searching for this song which will guide me home.

I am looking for it in every street, little lane, marketplace, and shop. I search behind vases and second-hand pictures. It seems to me I see her in colours, in skies, in trees. I believe myself so close to her but when I approach her, she always vanishes. She is the fish I never catch. She is the shade that wonders. She is so full of promise and always close enough to feel her. I am full of faith in her existence. But every time I believe I am her; she slides into darkness, into the next street into the next dream, the next city and man.

I follow every instinct, every slightest breeze of faith and incline in the hope to find her.

Her absence makes me glorify her. I depend on her she is my guiding star my compass.

Panic looms in the room when she is absent. I start to feel lost in the streets, in all these many shops and markets. The world gets dizzy and overwhelming, and I aimlessly wonder in a state of confusion.

My relationship with her defines me. The strength of my faith in her heals me. My confidence in living with her in every moment creates me. My endurance of her absence makes me stronger. My search for her is my dance of life. My songs seduce her my melody of existence. My stories about her are my bible of belief. I saw her, I lived with her, I felt her, she is close.

I am are sitting in the garden of my favourite pub. The beautiful autumn light is shining on the old wooden bench, and the air feels fresh and frisky. The combination of beer and chips makes me happy and gives me an odd feeling of home. 

Anna, my friend, struggles to balance her beer and food at the same time, and finally manages to join me on this sunny bench. We haven’t seen us for a while and there is so much to catch up, but we start to talk again, about our favourite topic; the time when everything changed. We love to talk about it, we have soo much to say! All these feelings, all that massive change! But we are so happy now, where we are. “I wouldn’t want to go back to the time before,” Anna says while taking another sip and trying to ignore the autumn wind. “No, me neither” I add. We cheer again, we are so proud, we know what we went through and we are soo much better off than anytime before. 

My phone rings. It’s my friend from home, her little business, built in the time of chaos out of need and despair has now become a flourishing business. She is the best example of how creativity outplayed adversity! And she is not the only one, many more are now working somewhere new, somewhere they never have thought it would be possible, new businesses have sprung up like mushrooms, money was available through new sources nobody ever has thought of. It was messy, sad, intense and chaotic, but one phoenix after the other, has risen from the ashes and people found astonishing ways to give expression to their creative passion. 

We love to talk about that time of change! A sort of routine has come back, but we know everything has a special new meaning to it. Parties, gatherings, friends, and families, we are cherishing it more, we we value it more. Everything matters, the smallest human connection, the hugs, the silly jokes, the potential of good ideas, time, details and stillness. We know we are social beings, and we saw how compassion prevailed production. And we love it!

Still carried and uplifted by the spirit of this new world, a softer and calmer tone of human connections can be found everywhere. 

A family is just sitting down next to us in the garden, they too, they talk about what they are up to now in this new area. A new sense of confidence and proudness can be found in the way they talk. Everyone experienced themselves how they were able to bounce back, to adapt, to find new creative solutions and that results in a new confidence, in themselves and how they perceive others. 

I tell Anna how it felt the times of loneliness. The time of self-reflection, where I learnt to meet my self and to see what truly matters. It wasn’t that bad at the end, I was forced to stay home, guided to see myself.  It was intense and honest, and I started to remember things about my self. How much I love to have time, to cook, to write and how much I love my friends and family. It was a big lesson towards more authenticity and a crucial step toward the life I am living now! 

Hallelujah, what unexpected outcomes! Ohh no way, I wouldn’t want to go back to an old normal. 

Still, it’s unbelievable, how something so small, something we not even can see with our bare eyes, made a whole world stay home! A whole world, a big global family. It outplayed all sorts of identifications; it ignores religion, nationality, country, financial status, and doesn’t care about political views. This little thing would go after anybody. Despite the cruelty, there is something beautiful in it, we are all just humans when it comes to the virus. 

We can laugh now, and yes we do! But the pain was there, in that eventful spring. Loved ones died leaving families grieving. We have to give it time, to heal and integrate this pain before it becomes the biggest transformative tool to give rise to a new global humanity.

We cheer on that and are enjoying the simple fact to sit in the pub’s garden.